How to be Uber Famous
Go on, admit it. Deep down, you wannabe famous. ‘Uber-famous’ as Sacha Baron Cohen’s comic creation, Bruno, might say.
Social media has made things worse. Everyone thinks they have a platform / soap box / column when they tell you what their opinion is via tweet or status update. And that’s fine: the people most guilty of that are frequently those who preach against the behaviour most strongly. It’s like any addiction.
Now, the older generation will tell you that there is no virtue in fame for fame’s sake and that you must work for it. They’ll say: don’t aim for fame; just go into acting /singing etc if you have real talent and relish the hard work. But what do their kids do? Oh yes, they’re famous! You will hear endless sermons on talent shows about not chasing fame and that hard work and patience mean everything. And yet..the aim of those shows: get famous, fast.
So let’s cut through the hypocrisy here. Embrace the fact that fame is a new commodity and a currency that we are conditioned to crave. And consider our step by step formula.
Disclaimer: it’s not an exact science and results are not guaranteed. But it might just work. Yep. Here we go..
HAVE A FAMOUS FAMILY
This equips you with two great tools.
First, you get exposure by association: photographed at all the right parties, tagged in every clickbait news story and granted access to auditions and jobs that the unconnected, unknowns have to work and fight for.
You still have to work the circuit, of course. But your passage has been provided; your course charted. There is no need to work at the work: it’s just there and yours for the taking. Auditions; modelling gigs etc: welcome you with open arms.
Second, you can make a big deal of NOT being your father/mother/whoever in each and every news story, thereby simply reminding all of the association. People will show you more deference immediately on the off-chance that being nice to you is by extension an in-road to the very family bond you are protesting distance from.
If you cannot manage ACTUAL famous relatives then fear not: it’s equally ok to just have a ‘connected’ parent that perhaps was an agent in the business or something. Attending a top British private school (aka ‘public schools’: I know it’s confusing) also helps. A LOT. But you’re not ‘posh’ or anything. Obviously.
Failing that? Just date someone REALLY famous: get a slice of their status by association as a ‘power couple’. Even LONG after you break up!
MELTDOWN + REHAB = RECOVERY AND RESULTS
Be the architect of your own failure and destruction. That way, you take the power away from the mass media to do the same. It also empowers a comeback story: triumph over self-made adversity.
A good rehab story follows, whilst maintaining the hint of bad boy notoriety that hungover from any incidents of bad behaviour (all of which follow you on youtube clips and the like, thereby only strengthening rather than diminishing the power of your profile).
It also buys you time to reinvent as a ‘proper’ actor / performer; to ‘find yourself’ and thereby expel any memories of what just might have been mediocre / charisma free performances in your former guises. An air of feel good redemption now pervades your every move. Perhaps you adopt a more experimental /edgy form of film-making to contrast with your now squeaky clean real life?
If you REALLY milk it and are VERY savvy timing wise, you can squeeze a book deal / magazine/newspaper column out of the process. You are now a lifestyle guru! Hey Presto: even more fame power!
APPEAR IN A BIG FRANCHISE MOVIE SERIES
You don’t have to play the lead character here. Any role is good enough. You will instantly gain a following online: Twitter at al will love you. You will be placed on the DVD extras; you will attend the promotional tours and get a personal platform in all the press conferences, whilst enjoying the fact that the heat of exposure is not solely on you. It’s an ensemble, a team effort and you can play it to your advantage.
Miscellaneous opportunities include: blogging your work-out progress to achieve super-hero body. Cue story in spin off social /print media on your miserable battle with weight /booze etc. You can also take lots of Instagram pictures of yourself visiting comic book stores which shows you are i.) NOT yet a geek (ie you need to do ‘research’ like a proper actor) and yet ii.) You respect the material here (thereby winning maximum geek cred). Win-win situation.
An additional bonus is won if you are replacing an older, respected actor in the series and there is a sea of speculation to that effect. You can tease the curious reporters; you can make lots of supportive statements about your predecessor, whilst nailing the nostalgic regeneration to your own Machiavellian advantage. Talk about them with a reverent respect, whilst giving an equal impression that you laugh, joke and play snooker together on weekends, all to the soundtrack of awkwardly forced smiling laughter and faux bon amis.
Failing that? Just get REALLY lucky and appear in a small tv show that appears to come from nowhere, with little hype and expectation. Secretly though, it was designed as a franchise and copies just about every movie image out there in a bid to become legend within months. The ‘squee’ fan-girl brigade are targeted in advance.
A living meme on every second tumblr account, you are instantly a big star and the world is yours! Move forward, uber famous, ubiquitous STAR!
CHITTER CHATTER / TWITTER PATTER
Adopt a charitable cause. Either fashionable or so obscure that you make it ‘yours’. This will make you look very nice and respectable to all and sundry. The Trolls tormenting you are warded off with a fence of ‘leave them alone! They are NICE people!’
Occasionally, you will engage in some heated debate online. This as good as INVITES the evil trolls but thereby gives you yet another reason to vent / run and even deactivate. The odd comment you make is deliberately ambiguous (‘I guess it’s time to move on’) or even controversial. The trick here is to once again anticipate and thereby control the random patterns to which the little people are slaves.
Blog your makeovers / reinventions /changes in hair and wardrobe/make-up (sometimes conveniently connected to either your campaign to win a role or actual casting in one of the big franchises).
The odd big revelation (coming out as gay is hyper cool now if you can manage it; no problem though if you are unfortunate enough to be plain old fashioned straight). Being the first to praise a happy, big, national event; to mourn a tragedy/campaign for associated change and pay respects to all and any dead celebrities is a must.
Deactivation of social media is an increasingly common tactic. Fine, provided you have adequately prepared fans and supporters in support; all of whom assure the twitter-verse you are ok and keep your name floating around in hashtag heaven, with constant screenshots of your supposedly ‘final’ status / link / evil, vile troll comment etc.
You can then relaunch the whole outfit and time it with a spot on a chat show, where you actively weaponise said tweets; perhaps even reading the nasty ones. Polish things off with some obscure party piece /song/gimmick; the clips of which are blogged and shared endlessly the next day.
You have gone ‘viral’: Congratulations. You are now a STAR!
DISCLAIMER #2: Even if this formula DOES work in the short term, there IS no substitute for charm, talent and hard work in the LONG term!
Now I have to go and get famous..