21 July 2015 4240 Views


by James Murphy





With the school term finished and holidays now upon us, parents can await the reports. No cheating, boys and girls. No steaming them open with the kettle or hiding them under a mattress pretending they got lost in the post! Here we go.


Just a sample. ‘All just a bit of harmless fun’. Starting with the Boys..


Tom Cruise:

Tom has had a good year. He took criticism on board from his peers and tutors and stopped jumping on the couch in the sixth form cafeteria. Well done on the Mooting Contest, too. It came down to a final speech about truth. ‘I WANT THE TRUTH’. It worked a treat.

This student works harder than any of his peers and is the keenest to acquire new skills and push himself harder and faster to the finish line. But he still makes time to race cars, hang off planes and climb rocks, all in his lunch hour! A work shadowing stint in a law firm was a great success, despite the partners now being in jail.

Another visit to a sports agent resulted in the boss re-evaluating his life and going into business on his own. Clearly, Tom is a truly inspirational student. And he works best with a mentor to bring out the best in him, with many of our staff taking him on and acting as a guide or even antagonist / competitor to ensure best results. A great ambassador for the school brand, Tom will talk to parents on regular walkabouts and even leave messages on voicemail for prospective students, encouraging their attendance in the next semester.

He runs incredibly quickly everywhere though should stop doing that in corridors and the canteen. His contributions to the school cadet force have been excellent and he was awarded the ‘Top Gun’ title at Prize Day. Recently, Tom has taken to using the school swimming pool and we are reliably informed that he can hold his breath under water for six minutes, which is something of a record. I think he is certainly a candidate for Head of House /School next year. Well done and keep up the hard work!




Harrison Ford:

Harrison has been a great help both on the academic and extra- curricular fronts. We were very impressed by his calmness under pressure, too. He survived a plane crash and looks ready to resume his hobby as a Pilot now that term has finished. And he has helped build us a new barn: thanks so much, Harrison!

He can be a bit laconic when asked questions in class and sometimes he seems a little off or grumpy. And we suspected him of smuggling contraband tuck via secret compartments in his satchel (never proved). His expertise in archaeology is amazing, though and he regularly holds his own seminars on the subject. Lots of the ladies from the High School next door seem to attend when Harrison is giving his lectures so clearly the subject is popular.

Great at outdoor activities, he was chief nature counselor and his efforts were much appreciated, although he appears to avoid snakes but has no problem with bugs and rats. He does tend to wag his finger when he feels there is an injustice in the school and can equally be a little bit laid back about his work, though his competence means we can overlook that.  Best wishes for the vacation; though Harrison will need parental consent should he really wish to go exploring the Mosquito Coast.



Arnold Schwarzenegger:

Arnold (or Arnie as his peer group call him) has shown real leadership qualities this year. He has even joined the School Governor Board and formed some great after school activity groups. Arnie’s prowess in the Gymnasium is the envy of his friends and the ladies at the High School also seem to be very impressed.

He also helped the staff recently when the Kindergarten class was making too much noise. A great student of Spanish, his catch phrases in the language appear to have taken off among other students. ‘Hasta La Vista, Baby’ is now our class motto!

We did catch him smoking cigars in the Learning Resources Area, though. When confronted, Arnie simply put the cigar out in his own hand and without flinching, simply told the supervisor to ‘CHILL’, before giving them the thumbs up. Few students show such good grace when faced with a rebuke so we cannot stay mad at him for long. Although he is one of our older students, Arnie remains a great asset: ‘Old. But not obsolete’.



Ben Affleck:


We are very proud of Ben. He has taken his own initiative and made some new friends, having been previously inseparable from his best buddy, Matt Damon. We tried seating plans and all sorts to get both students working independently, whilst preserving the friendship. Ben has even started holding his own seminars; directing them very well indeed. The teaching staff might be out of a job!

We are especially impressed by Ben’s activism; promoting gay rights and opposing racism. There were some suspicions that he had been gambling in his lunch hour but it turned out the money was fake so that’s ok. He takes an active interest in science and went so far as writing a paper on how to protect the Earth from an asteroid collision.

He is more popular now than when he first started the school. So the other students are following his example. Ben has taken a renewed interest in physical education and the Gymnasium. But he seems secretive about it: only doing his exercises at night time and insisting on very dramatic use of used truck wheels attached to ropes. When I asked him why he’d started this, Ben simply explained ‘Because I’M BATMAN!’. Who are we to argue, if it helps his work routine?


dino teeth

Chris Pratt:

Chris appears to have come from nowhere! We have no records of his attending classes before this year. But WHAT A YEAR! He has come top in EVERY subject and has been nominated as the head of EVERY new society and activity. The staff seem especially keen to get him involved in the ‘reboot’ classes, bringing back old subjects and activities to new students’ attention. I have tried to pair him with an older student mentor (Harrison Ford) and hopefully they will work together on at least one of the mooted reboot subjects.

Excelling at natural history, Chris has a great understanding of Dinosaurs and how they could perhaps be trained by a human warden. We are reluctant to let him test his theory but welcome his enthusiasm. Active in the School cadet force, we are sure that a stint in the Marines would suit him (he seems to understand the mechanics of how to capture a terrorist).

Great contributions to the music club, too: his mix tapes are awesome. His act in the end of term revue was very funny indeed and I especially enjoyed the Burt Macklin, FBI character! A VERY promising student.


 We wish all parents a great summer!


06 December 2022

May interest You

01 December 2022
17 November 2022
07 November 2022


Movie Review: The Batman (2022)
18 September 2022
Movie Review: The Batman (2022)
How To Choose The Best Movies To Watch In The Theatre?
18 October 2022
How To Choose The Best Movies To Watch In The Theatre?