28 August 2015 1724 Views

JAMES BOND EXPLAINS WHY HE CANNOT BE GAY

by James Murphy

JAMES BOND: THE SPY WHO’S NOT GAY

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We have a good relationship with JAMES BOND here at MovieViral. Perhaps that’s why he gave us this open letter that shoots down any notion he could or should be gay in a movie anytime soon. This comes in response to Pierce Brosnan’s musings that such a thing could happen if the Broccoli Family Producers had ‘balls’. Here we go. 

 

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MEMO

FROM: JAMES BOND, 007

TO: WORLD (esp Brosnan, Pierce)

RE: I AM NOT GAY AND WHY

 

Dear All,

 

It has been brought to my attention that some people think a Gay James Bond would be a good idea. Apologies for speaking in the third person there but there you have it.  MUST take a stand against such utter nonsense.

Now, I appreciate that dear old PIERCE BROSNAN (who was very good at playing me: yes, even in DIE ANOTHER DAY) was cornered by a silly question and felt the need to voice his response in some modulated ‘hey look at me I am still nice Pierce’ way. I won’t hold it against you, Pierce. Really, I won’t. No hard feelings. Hahahaha.

And neither will I say ‘I AM NOT GAY’ as that just leads to lots of headlines saying ‘JAMES BOND DENIES HOMOSEXUALITY’. I also don’t want to be labelled as homophobic. Lots of my mates at Mi6 are gay. Many of them also owe me a great deal of money from card games. Pay up. Now! I don’t discriminate.

 

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But there is a simple word here: CHARACTER. IF  I WERE to be ‘gay’, I suspect my life could be and indeed WOULD have been considerably simpler and smoother. Also things would be less interesting and dramatic: my stories frequently represent the conflict inherent in male /female dynamics, alongside the spy adventure heroic escapism.

Just imagine:  No deception and life changing, personality defining heartbreak by Vesper Lynd. I’d have avoided a painfully short marriage to Countess Theresa. There would have been no Lektor Decoder adventure with Tatiana Romanova. MoneyPenny’s office days would be immeasurably the poorer. Could not have taken down Sanchez without Pam Bouvier. And so on.

 

 

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You see, women and specifically, my attraction to them, as a character flaw yet unavoidable feature, is PART of ME. Professionally AND Personally. Again and again, women both blind and best me, albeit briefly and in a manner integral to plot that does not compromise my loyalty to Queen and Country.

 

My sexuality is one of the traits that defines me. Is that progressive? Is it morally acceptable in today’s world? Possibly, possibly not. I am JAMES BOND and not some moral guardian or social standards guru. I am a ‘blunt instrument’ of government policy (yes that’s right, I AM that; NOT SHERLOCK: Please take note, Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss).

 

 

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You don’t hire me to have a nice cup of tea and a hug and a chat about the meaning of life. Dr. Who is available for that sort of thing (he’s back on BBC on September 19th according to our intelligence: catch him if you can; his show is as camp as Christmas and we love it). Political correctness is at odds with what I do. My job is nasty: I have a licence to KILL and must do so with absolute detachment and clinical professionalism, just short of being an actual psychopath.

 

And my sexuality is, whatever way one looks at it, PART of my success in that role. Frequently, my ‘way in’ to infiltration of a villain’s operation is my unbeatable ability to seduce their girlfriend, consort, muse, whatever. Take that away and you harm both my efficacy in the field and the resulting protection of national and international security.

 

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There is of course no bar to my changing say, skin colour. Indeed, it would be a welcome change! IDRIS ELBA as me would work. He’s tough; cool; force of nature badass but also refined and elegant. Shame Idris is  already too famous and too expensive; plus DANIEL CRAIG is doing a fine job and should stay at least one more movie.

 

Race, age, height etc: all irrelevant. I’ve been Welsh, Scottish, Irish, Australian, Swiss and yet STILL JAMES BOND!  One off older Bond missions can also work. Some have even made fan movies with SIR SEAN CONNERY playing Bond in later life. One was very successful. It was called THE ROCK (1996): he’s Bond in all but name. And let’s not forget that just a decade ago, the internet went into collective meltdown at the thought of – SHOCK HORROR – a BLONDE JAMES BOND! Well, we know how that worked out, don’t we?

 

 

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SKYFALL grossed ONE BILLION. Not bad for a blonde, right? And also proof, if any were needed, that the Broccoli family can be both creative and ballsy. Got that message yet, Pierce? Besides, they gave you a fantastic seven years as Bond from GOLDENEYE onwards. They just knew when to call it a day, too.

 

 

 

 

There have been moments of course and just MOMENTS whereby I have FLIRTED with the whole gay thing. It’s a survival skill one picks up in great Public Schools. One could argue that I was able to outsmart both Le Chiffre and Silva based on my abilities to tease out their fixation with my genitalia. Admittedly, the men had amazing taste. But it was not genuinely reciprocal. Had I been an inflexible homophobe though, I very much doubt that I would have got out alive. Equally, had I been actually proper all out gay, I would have been too easily compromised in such a situation. Same would be true were I just a bit ‘bi’ or ‘bi-curious': that’s NOT why the zero is ‘double’.

 

 

Well, I think I’ve made my point. My sexuality, however outdated, is as much part of me as Vodka Martinis, gadgets, guns, patriotism and pervasive competence. It is frequently my undoing and weakness, but nevertheless me. Diversity is of course to be celebrated. But never at the expense of individualism.

 

 

Indeed, I would argue that my remaining a heterosexual is a bastion OF our continued freedom of expression: a value upon which we must ‘pride’ ourselves every bit as much as we must continue to embrace tolerance and celebration of all civil communities. When I fight for freedom, I fight by extension for your right to be whatever or whoever you choose. But I must enjoy that same freedom too. Same is true for the women.

 

Yesss..ok..i have had and indeed perhaps still DO have a slightly sexist side. But the women I encounter? On the whole: Empowered, inspirational, independent and doing perfectly well with or without me. It’s not my fault that ‘everybody wants a bit of James’ (as one beautiful enemy agent put it a couple of years back in a hotel room on assignment in some exotic locale or other; ‘Bitter-suite’ is how I always think on that mission).

 

 

 

Before I go: one last thought. Consider the following changes to other heroes and their associated franchises.

 

  • SANE MAX: Instead of kicking ass on the road, Max gets some counselling and just accepts the apocalypse.
  • LIVE EASY: Bruce Willis’ John McClane goes on holiday with his family. There are no Terrorists anywhere. The end.
  • FOOTTIGHT: Kevin Bacon accepts that dancing IS wrong and behaves like a good little conformist. He walks a lot instead.
  • GIVEN: Liam Neeson’s ‘very special set of skills’ includes accepting that family members get kidnapped and he does nothing.
  • JRR TOLKIEN’S THE AVERAGE SIZED PEOPLE: Why should Hobbits and Dwarfs get all the action? Time to even the score.

 

I think you get my point? Put simply..I, JAMES BOND can be many things. And I AM a champion of freedom and diversity. I’m just not Gay.

 

 

Here’s an idea: how about inventing a NEW character? He /she/they can be a spy and save the world and be gay. Sexuality should be irrelevant in today’s world. Flagging up the issue or reinventing some icon of the past to suit agendas of the present is NOT the way to truly defeat prejudice and discrimination.

 

Sincerely

 

JAMES BOND (CMG, RNVR)

Mi6 HQ/ Kings Road, Chelsea

 

 

JAMES MURPHY WILL RETURN



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