04 July 2016 4896 Views

Michael Gove to screen test for the next James Bond

by James Murphy

You know the name. You know the number. Is Michael Gove ready to be James Bond? 



It was only a matter of time. The race had to begin officially. And after much speculation, Michael Gove has declared his candidacy for selection as the new James Bond. This comes after a dramatic fortnight for British politics and film. There was this referendum thing where people like voted to leave Europe or somefink? Dunno. Nice march, anyway. But far more importantly: it was a week in which the Press seemed to stop speculating about who will be the next 007. 

Under those circumstances, Mr Gove felt he had no option but to stand for the role. For the good of his country. Of Cinema itself. He called a late Press Conference at Pinewood Studios and gave an impassioned yet somehow also understated speech. It was the very essence of James Bond. Gove wore a tight fitting Tom Ford suit and sipped a Martini between questions.


He conceded that he had ‘no charisma’ and would not be a ‘showy’ James Bond. His wish was to recapture the basics of character. ‘Bond is a psychopath who loves his country. I can play that very convincingly. My Bond would also go after the real villains: middle management and bureaucracy; the David Brents who think they are Ernst Stavro Blofelds‘.

When asked whether he had any regrets about launching his bid while the country still waits for a resignation statement from Daniel Craig, Mr Gove was unapologetic.




Daniel had his chance and I phoned him, repeatedly. He did not return my calls. Or even attempt to build a team for Bond 25. I therefore concluded he was an unsuitable candidate for the part and most reluctantly, have put myself forward to play James Bond, myself‘.

There were rumours that Daniel had hesitated due to Gove’s unreasonable demands that he be made Q, M and Blofeld in the next film, as a reward for supporting Mr Craig’s continued tenure. Those were denied, naturally. But we have spies. We have people everywhere!

It is a bold move from Mr Gove and has left at least one other contender in shock. Speaking from his hospital bed, where he is being treated for his dramatic reaction to Mr. Gove’s declaration..’AN OTHER’ Actor simply mumbled a few words:

‘It’s over, then. The treachery! I had done everything to get that role. Gone on a high protein diet! I did my best to be seen with beautiful WOMEN. I wore tight suits just like Daniel’s. Infamy! Infamy! No! It was supposed to be mine..all mine. Gove..Gove..i will have my revenge!’  The actor’s minders and publicity people then came into the room and escorted us away. At gunpoint. They then leaked the details of the meeting because all publicity is good for their otherwise unremarkable client. If you’re curious as to what a high protein diet is all about. Carnivore Style is a one-stop site for learning all about it.



Craig himself is yet to make a statement. But he has a mandate form the people to continue as James Bond ($1 billion gross for SKYFALL; $800 million + for SPECTRE; a BAFTA nomination as Best Actor for CASINO ROYALE..that sort of thing). And he is apparently busied in frantic preparations and research for his role as Colin Dexter’s Endeavour Morse in a big budget film version of INSPECTOR MORSE.


In any event, screen-tests are expected to be held, with a secret EON Productions members’ ballot then used to select the new candidate. Mr. Gove is preparing in earnest. He has been hitting the Gym, big time and learning to shoot at a top secret NRA rifle range in Montana, where expert training is given by Bill Hague, Angelina Jolie and Seb Coe.



An official confirmation on the future of James Bond is expected by October of this year and ‘GoveFinger’ should be released the following year.  And if it doesn’t work? Don’t worry: there’s always politics..


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