06 September 2016 5115 Views

Tom Hiddleston placed in top secret secure unit to recover from news of Daniel Craig staying on as 007

by James Murphy


Tom Hiddleston is thought to be receiving round the clock care and attention at a High Rise clinic in Switzerland while Daniel Craig works on the next two Bond films. An anonymous source has revealed that ‘it was for his own good’ and the actor is thought to be ‘making progress’. 


Hiddleston was in a catatonic state on hearing that Mr. Craig would be making two new Bond films, back to back, for the Princely sum of £150 million. He recovered, briefly and his entourage thought all was well. But his condition took a turn for the worse when he went ‘full method’.

Decking himself out in SAS surplus gear and camouflaging his face, Hiddleston donned night vision goggles and somehow procured a grappling gun (Batman wants it back and he’s really pissed about it). It is thought he then attempted a ‘trial run dress rehearsal’ at Pinewood Studios..staging a midnight commando raid on the facility.


The actor is said to have crept behind a number of security personnel on the site and declared ‘HA! Bet you did not see THAT coming! Because I’M JAMES BOND! I’M JAMES BOND! COME AND GET ME! WHO WANTS SOME? I’ll fight you!‘ It was not a pretty sight, and required an elite team of SAS soldiers to come and restrain and sedate the actor. He was then airlifted to a top secret, secure and clinical facility in Switzerland. Piz Gloria, perhaps?

We did not appreciate being called ‘henchmen’ by Mr. Hiddleston. But we accept that he is not himself at the moment and his behaviour was brought about by his state of trauma‘, said one security guard from the Pinewood studio facility.


In a stunning twist, said security guard turned out to be none other than Idris Elba: ‘It’s my way of dealing with the Bond speculation stress..so I don’t end up doing a Hiddleston number..nobody’s children should ever have to witness these things‘. Mr Elba has volunteered to continue guarding his former rival for the 007 part. A red phone has been installed in Elba’s agent’s offices in case of Hiddleston related emergencies.


Denial was followed by further withdrawal and anger from the shocked Mr. Hiddleston. But the community of almost James Bonds is a close one and he has not been left on his own at any stage. Aidan Turner has been a great support, bringing in the new episodes of Poldark for the patient to watch. ‘It can be lonely in a padded cell so I just thought we should all rally round Tom and make him feel as comfortable as possible, really. Tom loves my impressions of Timothy Dalton and Pierce Brosnan and I even dressed up in a white coat and pretended to play his therapist. We’re all in this together’.


The process appears to be going rather well, all things considered. Clive Owen, Henry Cavill and James Norton teamed up for an all night vigil by Hiddleston’s bed. They pooled their skills when an intruder (thought to be Calvin Harris, disguised as an orderly) attempted to infiltrate the complex to jump on Tom. The villain was disarmed and is now in a coma. Thoughts and prayers with the makers of his designer underpants.


Thankfully, Paul Greengrass was in the area and captured everything on a concealed shaky cam. It is understood that Mr. Greengrass is also being treated at the facility (for an incident where he basically remade The Bourne Supremacy and called it Jason Bourne: denial and delusion).


In a gesture of solidarity and magnanimity, Daniel Craig himself checked up on Hiddleston’s progress. They faced each other, across a bullet proofed, glass partition. ‘Look, Tom…I’m sorry. I just needed to do these two movies‘. Craig gave Hiddleston a fencing jacket to help with the recreation activities on the site. ‘Look, James Bond wore one in Die Another Day! Fencing, Tom..you’ll like that! I had the jacket made by Tom Ford‘.

Hiddleston simply hissed back ‘You try and trick me, Brother Bond! For I know that is but another straight jacket, forged by the dark elves of Asgard. You have no idea what I have sacrificed for this part. Started working out; Did proper grown up sex stuff on a BBC spy drama! Dated a really famous, beautiful WOMAN! Drank Protein shakes!’.


But Craig has promised to keep helping Hiddleston, no matter what. The platonic bond between actors is an enduring love. ‘Look, I know how tough it can be not playing a dream role..trust me, I do. I was all set to play Inspector Morse on the big screen..then these two Bond films came up. I’d done all the research. Watched all the episodes. Started drinking real ale and growling like John Thaw. But no. Bond it must be..sorry, Morse!‘.

Like any process, shock recovery can take time. But in Tom’s case, things look good for a ‘swift’ recovery. 😉 He is being nursed by a lovely girl called Sister Taylor and she is sure that Tom will be ‘out of the woods‘ soon. Part of his rehabilitation will include a stint as a night duty manager in a Hotel. It will be a loki post but should ensure that the actor can find closure, move on and find a new franchise to settle down with.

(nb: note the filing / classification / ad-word  for this piece is ‘humor’)




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