There’s a new Sheriff in Town! And he’s takin’ down names and kickin’ serious ass. President Elect Trump returns to his regular column at MovieViral to introduce y’all to the new Attorney General of the good aul U-S-of-A, Mr JOHN SESSIONS!
I tell ya folks, it’s been one helluva week. People are REALLY mean to me. Mean and nasty. Nasty, nasty business, I’m tellin’ ya. Big league. Unacceptable. I aint gonna give in. No Sir! No compromise on climate change or that wall..well ok, maybe just a few here and there, give or take. Aside from that? Business as usual.
First things first: new appointments for my team. It’s gonna be the best team ever. Avengers? I got that beat. Easy. You have a Hulk? We have a TRUMP! Captain America: you are a loser. You’ll be in a super-max jail sometime soon. Justice League: bunch of illegal aliens. Who let that Kryptonian or Aqua Person speak for the greatest country in the universe? Not on my watch.
Starting off, I need a guy I can trust. A symbol of hope. Some guy who is tough, strong and can build bridges between our two great countries: America and the United Kingdom of Scotland. Also needs to be able to think on his feet and deliver speeches at the last minute. I mean, like a really clever guy. Totally. Also needs to remind us all of the good old glory days of the 1980s, back when Ronald Reagan (God rest his soul) made America truly great.
There was just one man for the job. I know him as my great friend and brother in arms. You know him as the actor and comedian, John Sessions. Seriously. I have made him Attorney General. Very clever man. Knows law inside out. He was once asked by Judge John Deed (big time legal man in the U-S-of K..i know..coz I’ve seen him on television..he’s like Judge Judy) to head up a major case. Big Time.
Guy knows his history, too. Did you know that the famous German Emperor, Napoleon, once visited America? Serious. No kidding. I aint even lyin’. Sessions uncovered the whole thing. Napoleon: The American Story. Amazing. I never knew Napoleon could talk in that many voices. Tremendous. Sessions can handle the Press and media, too. No problem. Ever seen a show called ‘Whose Line is it Anyway?’? It’s the best show ever. The guy can make up entire stories in seconds. Just like Fox News and CNN. Only more factually accurate.
This guy Sessions? Kind of a big deal. Can open a Golf Course for me in Scotland anytime. But I’m treating him as a true American patriot. Only Sessions can stand up for our traditional American values. Family! Being a man! The Bible! Christian conservatism needs a strong symbol and THIS is our man.
Sessions is popular with managers and reality stars: that David Brent thinks Sessions a ‘genius’. Women LOVE the guy but there won’t be any scandals, I’m assured. He did a film once with Carrie Fisher. But unlike that liberal Harrison Ford, he did not do sex stuff with her, or drugs! No Sir: Sessions is incorruptible. Kinda like that nice DA, Harvey Dent in Gotham.
I tell ya: Sessions is the UK’s Tom Hanks. Not quite as big a star as that nice Nigel Farage, but we’re gonna give Nigel a job too as our guy in Europe instead (he loves it there, totally..French name gives him away..he’s gonna love it, big surprise for all of his hard work with us).
Well..that’s all for now, folks. Got a country to go and run (i saw what you did there, Viral guys: very funny..there is no ‘i’ in run..or is there?!).
nb: President Elect Trump did not write this really. And John Sessions is alive and well: precise whereabouts unknown but he is thought to be residing on his own private island retreat and busy at work on Napoleon meets Trump with Boswell and Johnson