My Fellow Americans and Movie Fans
Yeah I’m back. See, I don’t deal with fake news sites. Only reel ones. Hence, Movie Viral. Geddit? Course not. Trolls be like ‘he cannot even spell..why should he be President?’. Well, they know nothing. I came second in the spell bee contest. Recently. Joe Biden beat me. But it was rigged. We wanted Joe to feel good about himself after I beat him in the ‘Movies of Harrison Ford‘ quiz. Honestly, Joe LOVES a bit of the Harrison. He even came onstage at last year’s Oscars to the Indiana Smith tune! I mean, who would use a Harrison Ford film theme to big themselves up like that? Very, very sad people.
So, yeah, I’m like this busy and important President Elect or whatever..no big deal..just thought I’d take five and do my Movie Reviews column here. Why not? Gives something back. Let’s start with this ‘Golden Globe’ nonsense. Seriously: you are like Oscars for Babies. Baby Oscars. Poor man’s BAFTAS. But hey..everyone be like sharing the clips and ‘oh that Trump is so uncool‘ and ‘oh look at me I’m sharing this clip about how much Hollywood hates Trump‘. So I’m like..hey..let me at least fight back, yeah?
Meryl Streep? Honestly. We’ve had PLENTY of her already. Maybe too much? I dunno. She said mean and NASTY things about me. Why? She won the Golden Globe. Her 700th or something.
(Hey if you reverse 700 you get 007..love that..love Briddish spies like James Bond..WAY better than CIA or IMF..I must thank Bond for all he did in stopping those evil people launching the GoldenEye and making fake news stories 20 years back).
But back on Meryl. The woman is bad news. They say I have bad business practices? She put actresses out of business in the 1980s. She be like ‘oh I do accents or woteva’ and Hollywood be like ‘Ok Meryl you can be in EVERYTHING’. Seriously. They offered her Terminator..I don’t know if she played that..I will check my facts..there is an Austrian accent in that movie so I’m sure she could have done it.
Oh and she said I am bad and did a disabled impression? I have an entire tape of Meryl making fun of an elderly woman with dementia. Seriously. Check it out. Out there somewhere if you look hard enough. Depraved. Disgusting. And really, really BORING. I could not watch it all myself. Fell asleep. They code-named it IRON LADY. Bet she got awards for that, too?
Want more? I have an entire file of stuff on this woman. All from intelligence sources I trust (in Russia). TERRIBLE mother and wife (look for a file online code named ‘KRAMER VS KRAMER‘). HORRIBLE to her employees. Seriously. Don’t believe me? Just key in DEVIL WEARS PRADA. BAD singer, too. Seriously: they gave her an award for singing BADLY. FLORENCE FOSTER JENKINS : Mama Mia that’s a bad singing voice. I sing better in the shower.
But enough about Meryl. My intel sources also inform me that HUGH LAURIE had a bit of a pop at me, too? Really, Hugh? REALLY? Well know this from me: YOU HAVE BAD HAIR. REALLY, REALLY BAD. I have GREAT hair. I dunno, maybe you are jealous? And they gave him an AWARD for treating his ‘Night Manager‘ really badly. Nasty. Just mean and nasty.
Honest: a poor kid was just managing the desk in a Hotel. Minding his own business. No need to have him beat up real bad, Hugh? Especially a night manager suffering from mental retardation already. Seriously..they say the kid was like a Latin scholar from Oxbridge? Yeah well why was he working a night desk in a Hotel? Poor, sweet, delusional. Doctored CV, worst case. Maybe ‘fire’ him.
But Hugh? Had him go and sell weapons and sleep with a beautiful WOMAN as punishment. I would never treat my Hotel employees like that. Latinos, Hispanics, Afro-Caribbean Australians, Injun Chiefs, Welsh people, LBGTQs; SUVs: I employ all and fairly. No Droids, though. We don’t want their kind here.
But hey, maybe Mr Laurie thinks different about how to treat night managers? But I would not listen to him. Dude did not even know what a DICTIONARY was (doh: it gives you other words to use for something when you cannot trust the Internet). Good Piano player, though. Hey Hugh: call me..do you wanna play at my inauguration?! just kidding. I would not want a tyrant like you singing at my inauguration. We’re getting another Brit: Charlotte Mosque or something?
Before I go let’s correct this nonsense that I hate movies. Not so. I LOVE to settle down and watch a movie if I have the time. That’s very rare by the way. I am big time busy. Very important job. Anyway: this one time, in Russia, I had a few hours to myself in my Hotel Room.
And I thought ‘you know I’d love to watch a film about families and time moving by and it must feature several members of the Fonda family‘. So, my assistants recommend ON GOLDEN POND. Lovely film. Tremendous. Unfortunately, the Russians maybe mistranslated ‘Pond’ as ‘shower’ or something. Easily done. Blame that Night Manager! But I aint making THAT mistake again..;)
Anyway..gotta go..Intel briefing..no hang on it’s a ‘press conference’..same difference nowadays 😉
President Elect Donald Trump did NOT write this column. Though sources in Russia may claim differently. Ditto CNN. But it’s lies. All LIES! We wish him luck with the inauguration and also congratulations to all winners and nominees at the Golden Globes 2017.