30 April 2018 1842 Views

THANOS apologises for UK #WINDRUSH scandal (spoiler alert for British Politics)

by James Murphy

Marvel Chief Super Villain considering his position as evil plans exposed:

‘I did not know there were quotas on how many illegal aliens were stationed on Earth, awaiting destruction. Oh hang on. I DID! Busted’. 

If you don’t want to know what happens in this week’s episode of British Politics? Look away now. Or read it all anyway on Forbes’ website 😉

Thanos, the chief super villain in the Marvel universe, was last night under pressure from fellow super-villains, to step down. Allegations have emerged that he tried to obtain a super-powered gauntlet and that he had an evil plan for its use. 

Currently considering his position, Thanos is thought to be holed up on Earth, somewhere. But his resignation letter has apparently been drafted and other Chief Super-villains have been very keen to take his place. Current favourites include: Doctor Doom, Galactus, Magneto and the Mandarin.

But it is thought Thanos will be replaced by the mighty space wizard: SAJID JAVID (trademark). Controversial choice as Sajid is not a villain so accusations of ‘tokenism’ have already emerged. Appointing a goodie is thought unfair, especially by villains who devoted themselves, selfishly, to nefarious UNFAIR tactics.

Amber Heard is another possible replacement?

Leaked elements of Thanos’ draft resignation statement have been obtained by Movie Viral (thank you, Edward Snowden). 

Thanos confesses some key points, with certain concessions:

‘I did indeed attempt to obtain and use an Infinity Gauntlet. However, I did NOT impose the quotas on wiping out illegal aliens in the universe. That plan was inherited from previous super-villains. I understand, however, that in view of this, my position might have become untenable‘.

 

We did some further digging / investigating. It can therefore be confirmed that whilst Thanos has made a big mistake and must take responsibility, he has a point about the legacy left by previous super-villains. They also attempted world domination and destruction in a misplaced bid to restore balance.

And their plans, like his, had misguided focus on targets and numbers at the expense of the wider world /universe.

Examples include:

  • Karl Stromberg (1977; The Spy Who Loved Me). Tried to destroy the whole world by inciting a nuclear conflict between world powers. In the misguided aim of creating a new world. Underwater. What a knob.

  • Hugo Drax (1979; MoonRaker). Tried to poison the entire world with a weaponised rare orchid. So he could set up a new race of Space Nazis. In Space. Vile racist scum.

  • Zod (Man of Steel; 2013). This one failed to save Krypton so thought he could terraform Earth into new Krypton. Total loser.

  • Valentine (Kingsman: The Secret Service; 2014). Thought Earth was doomed by over-population and depletion of natural resources. Tried to create an elitist haven for a chosen few rich / classy survivors by basically killing everyone else in the entire world. Vile! Evil! Bad! Tory/Republican, obviously. 😉

  • Darth Vader (Star Wars saga; 1977-present). This half robot jerk (editor: that’s going to trigger some; technically he is a severe burn survivor so go easy) was willing to kill everyone (‘The WOMEN! The CHILDREN!‘) in order to ‘END THIS DESTRUCTIVE CONFLICT’. (Editor: No! Vader had a mental health problem; Sith is a religion #OFPEACE). He’s a bad ‘un, is Vader. So’s his Grandson.

  • SKYNET (Terminator series: 1984 – present). An artificial intel system gone crazy. Thinks humanity is a disease in need of a ‘judgement day’ via nuclear holocaust to get a ‘rise’ from some machines. We have been warned!

  • Ras Al Guhl (Dark Knight Trilogy: 2005-12). Militant environmentalist / terrorist / warlord /Ninja, with a special set of skills. Trained BATMAN. Only to go and spoil it all by trying to ‘purge’ Gotham City. Has very silly beard. MIGHT be supernatural/immortal? Beware!

  • The MASTER (Doctor Who BBC tv series; 1963-present). At his most ruthless? This renegade Timelord became British Prime Minister and ordered one TENTH of the world to be executed. Literally, to ‘decimate’. Sometimes he, too, sports a rubbish beard. Can change sex (editor: this has triggered me. You are ONLY going after him/her because you don’t ‘get’ gender fluid safe spaces in time). Knows mind control. Avoid!

CONCLUSION:

Whilst it is indeed right and good that Thanos should stand down? This current Infinity Gauntlet /Windrush crisis is NOT his fault entirely and it is wrong to hold him solely accountable for policies enacted by previous, more rubbish, supervillains.

nb: filed under ‘humor’ /satire. 

Best of luck to Amber Rudd, Sajid Javid and the Marvel Cinematic Universe in the next phase of their careers. 😉

 



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