18 September 2018 1173 Views

STAR WARS Checks itself into Rehab. First Film Franchise to Sign Off Work, Citing Depression as the Cause.

by James Murphy

STAR WARS: ‘I NEED HELP! BUT AM ON THE ROAD TO RECOVERY!’ 

A Brave + Bold, Unprecedented Move: STAR WARS has signed off work, c/o mental health and stress / depression.

It took a great deal of courage for the series to come forward and speak honestly about its difficulties. It is hoped that others might be inspired to know there is no shame in admitting in public that things have all just got too much. Obviously, Star Wars would like us to respect its privacy and that of its family, during this difficult time.

The following details/symptoms are thought to have been leaked via anonymous, unconfirmed sources..(NB SPOILERS INVOLVED). 

  • This year has been very, very tough. Not just one but TWO films, back to back? It was workaholism, pure and simple. Whatever about one every Christmas? Trying a summer slot too? No!
  • There was an abusive relationship with the ‘fans’; Trolls harassed Star Wars constantly. But that only made this people pleaser all the more determined to serve the ‘SJW’ contingent.

  • A general slump set in; deliberately dragging its feet in story pacing, padding out film with senseless filler, making every character miserable. THE LAST JEDI. 
  • Self-sabotage was an emergent pattern. Releasing SOLO: A STAR WARS STORY with minimal marketing, in an obscure part of the summer season? Proof there was a problem.
  • Complete denial of certain aspects of its own past that were fairly massive: leaving the ‘EU’: A kind of Star Wars #BREXIT!

  • Conversely? Obsessing, compulsively, about obscure details in its history: which cloaks might hang up in the Millennium Falcon; that sort of thing. 
  • There was an ongoing denial of core bereavements and a sense of underlying guilt that deaths were preventable. HAN! LUKE! ADMIRAL ACKBAR! 
  • Jealous, on off again relationships with other franchises: MARVEL! DISNEY! Abusive, destructive, obsessional relationships that went nowhere. 
  • ‘Smiling Depressive’ syndrome: covering up the rot with inappropriate and unfunny ‘comedy’: THE LAST JEDI and SOLO: A STAR WARS STORY! 

Eventually, Star Wars called a friend for help. JJ ABRAMS has agreed to help rehabilitate the franchise, with ongoing consultant visits from Dr George Lucas and the Registrar , one Ms K Kennedy. There is a programme, culminating with ‘EPISODE 9‘, to be ‘released’ once Star Wars is deemed fit and healthy enough, probably around Christmas 2019. It will not be alone. An equally sick ‘DCEU‘ is sending ‘WONDER WOMAN 84‘ to meet the world in the same season. ‘BOND 25‘ will also be on hand, hopefully by then having conquered its own destructive pattern of delaying its own release dates by losing directors and writers?

This will be a long and tough road for STAR WARS. And it was NOT an easy trip to the Clinic. An escape plan was formed and attempted: ‘RIGHTS FOR FRANCHISES! WE ARE SENTIENT TOO!’. Star Wars was found, thankfully, and restrained. A collection of ill advised pitches for new spin offs was found on the patient and confiscated. JABBA THE SPERM. KIT FISTO’S BIG ADVENTURE. WHEN ROSE MET POE. LOBOT: A STAR WARS STORY. GET FETT. And so on. It was not a pretty sight. Part of the healing and therapy process will be confronting those awful ideas; the hurt they could have caused and letting go: destroying or at least deferring them indefinitely?

So: please respect STAR WARS and its family /  privacy during this difficult process. We wish it a speedy recovery!

 

On serious note though? This Autumn /Fall /Christmas was THE time to release SOLO! Quite WHY they pushed it so far forward is beyond me.

Instead? It now rests on on multiple media formats /platforms; now available for download etc. My views remain much the same. It is a fun, warm hearted, old fashioned, escapist romp. There are of course flaws but always counter-acted.  Alden is a fine young Han but he’s ironically at his very best when NOT in any way channelling Harrison Ford but simply getting on with his own brand of screen presence and charm.

There is a slavish adherence to the established backstory from other films, thereby packing too much into a movie that could have benefited from a focus on even ONE of the events included here. Some truly GREAT set-pieces and detailed designs do not get adequate time to BREATHE! Ploddingly predictable story / plot /structure with little if any in the way of surprises.But to be fair; they do not overdo too many typical prequel tropes, save the occasional flagging up of a particular recipt of special laser blaster / ship etc. And save ONE awful moment in that very spirit, we are GENERALLY spared the ‘YOU ARE NOW SUCH AND SUCH SO AND SO’ syndrome that blights many an origin story.

The humour is at its best when subtle, almost accidental. At its very worst when flagged up. Equally, some of the best references to and realisations of old Star Wars mythology have been left out in deleted scenes: each of which are entertaining as short films in their won right. Some nice exploration of a wider geography, too. Empire, underworld etc. It’s like a grown up dramatisation of the kind of games you wanted to animate with your figures as a kid.

It’s a BIT too knowing on Han Solo’s destiny (remember this kid is NOT a Jedi; he should not even be a ‘kid’: he was BORN ‘older’) and reveals certain things we neither wanted nor needed to know about the character. But it has a lot of good will, atmospherics and a warm, nostalgic glow fused to a satisfying if uninspired overall feel. Worth a purchase. You WILL replay it. Repeatedly. Even if you don’t actually ‘watch’ it all! 

WIN A COPY: HERE 

STAR WARS: EPISODE 9 is on course for release in CHRISTMAS 2019 and is currently shooting, with JJ Abrams as Director. 

Various tv series / streaming shows / individual spin offs and trilogies remain in development, even if delayed. OBI WAN: THE MOVIE has NOT been cancelled, officially and Ewan McGregor is keen to do it! 

To Get information on/ make a donation to (genuine) mental health cause /charities: click HERE.



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