11 December 2018 2828 Views

Terrible Trailer Tuesday

by James Murphy

That Time of the Month. Again. Yuck. We watch the terrible trailers. So YOU don’t have to!


First up? It’s GODZILLA 2. Except they cannot just call it that. Because everything now needs colons. Same way everything now has news commentary as exposition for faux atmospheric magic. Oh and some sort of bigger picture plan for a shared universe, obviously. Because that worked SO WELL for Universal’s Dark Universe. And Sony’s Ghostbusters universe. And the DC Extended Universe (DCEU: so if a hero leaves it’s like Brexit with super-powers?). So, instead of just being honest and saying: BIG MONSTERS. FIGHTING. BIGLY?..

..They give lots of fast cuts and then looming, dark, ponderous shots of Charles Dance (STOP sticking him in every franchise; seriously, JUST because he talks SLOWLY in a BRIDDDISH accent does NOT equal instant gravitas?). Vera Farmiga turns up, too. Is she an ass kicking leading lady? A romantic interest? Nah. That’d be far too logical! Instead, they have her STARING at the CAMERA. Intensely! And whispering orders into something / someone / whatever.

Basically, someone in Hollywood surely has a big time fetish for Ms Viagra (sorry, Farmiga) whispering orders, intensely / menacingly. See also: SOURCE-CODE, THE COMMUTER, lots of other stuff she’s been in. Ken Watanabe also features. He makes a one liner joke thing. Shame as that man SHOULD be a STAR. Not rent an oriental businessman/science expert person/baddie who is not quite a baddie / goody who is not a proper goody in cameo scenario. WOKE SJWs seem to ignore that. Bizarrely.

Oh and it’s called GODZILLA: KING OF THE MONSTERS. And it looks boring, redundant and pointless. That said? I;d sit through it a hundred times if only to avoid..

..ALL IS TRUE: another film from SIR KEN BRANAGH. Do not confuse with his other movie that’s coming out. The one about Fairies. Artemis Foul/Fowl. 


Think Harry Potter. With Fairies. Or Harry Potter, discovering he might be a Fairy. With added Ken Branagh credentials. But that’s a whole other movie.

Back on topic..

Contrary to what some critics have said? I am fair to Sir Ken. I have noted, on numerous occasions, that his early work is inspirational and fuelled by a genuine passion for Shakespeare, whilst staying commercially adroit and ambitious yet knowing its limits, too. MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING is one of my most favouritest films. Ever. A love letter to Shakespeare, cinema and those two artforms together. Then something went wrong. Vanity projects (Frankenstein). Excessive use of Dame Judi Dench. Adopting Tim Huddleston. Prematurely ageing himself up (Poirot; Wallander). Making franchise safety first easy mid road box office numbers like Cinderella. Showing off his body a LOT inc a bizarre turn in Richard III that featured Branagh depict the villainous King semi nude in at least one scene. Sadly? Somewhere in that process, Sir Ken forgot to make new and brilliant SHAKESPEARE movies! IE he stopped doing what he always did best and arguably better than anyone.

Seems he is trying to make up for it all with a new film ABOUT Shakespeare. ALL IS TRUE is written, directed by and starring Branagh. He also did the catering, swept the floors on the set and drove all the vans around after his daily, 4 am 15k run. I might be exaggerating. It’s no exaggeration though to say that the movie looks like an unintended self-parody. Ken wears a false nose, it seems? That makes him look and indeed sound like SIR Ben Kingsley (who is a BIT like SIR Pat Stewart). The jokes look to owe much to the wonderful SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE (definitive, unbeatable: Tom Stoppard at his best and Gwyneth Paltrow just divine, all directed beautifully by John Madden and rightfully winning best picture Oscar in 1999). But not as good, at first sight.

It’s taking the idea of inserting modern questions one would ask a famous writer and having those confronted by the Bard. Ha! Hilarious! Note also, that Branagh’s Shakespeare is married to..Dame Judi Dench. It probably exists in a shared universe with UPSTART CROW ( a poor man’s Black-Adder; written by Ben Elton, who helped make the actual..Black-Adder so..unbeatable brilliant, with Richard Curtis /Rowan Atkinson and team). Basically: expect more schoolboy in jokes about Shakespeare on television and now on film, on industrial scale. And commercial and critical praise will follow that trend, inexplicably, thereby ensuring it continues on an indefinite loop..forever!

OUR ONLY HOPE TO BE SAVED FROM THESE BAD TRAILERS? SPIDER-MAN! Yes, SPIDER-MAN: FAR FROM HOME has drooped a trailer. In secret. NOT available YET. But we DO know that it features indications of Jake Gyllenhaal  (amazing actor: fact!), playing a baddie called Mysterio yet also hinting at possibilities of his alliance with the eponymous web-slinger. Funny, as Jake almost PLAYED that Parker/Spidey role himself about 15 years ago! He also took orders from..VERA FARMIGA in..SOURCE-CODE..so things have all come full circle, even within this article!


Once the Spider-Man trailer lands, officially? We will comment and share etc.

Meantime? Just watch Godzilla v Branagh..


Notice to trolls / church of the anti Movie Viral? This piece is filed under ‘satire’ as well as news /trailers; no offence intended, though you no doubt, will take some. Which is your right, of course. 😉 



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