01 April 2019 1348 Views

We have seen an Advance, Secret Screening of AVENGERS: ENDGAME. Here be SPOILERS. Be WARNED!

by James Murphy

Get Ready for some Shocks, Surprises and one of THE greatest Movies..EVER! 

In a top secret screening, Disney /Marvel bosses showed their most trusted critics an advance cut of AVENGERS: ENDGAME. We were there. Now: we HATE spoilers when you DON’T see them coming. But in this case: we have marked it, clearly so..here we go..At a Glance..(oh and yeah: you’re welcome: yes, you). 

 

 

  • Loki gets resurrected. But there is zero fanfare. Zero rousing music or set up. ‘What? Him again? FFS. Thanos come back! All is forgiven!’, sighs one character. But Marvel know Hiddleston is tied to do the tv show version, before he is available to all /other offers: Superman, Batman, He-Man, Jesus, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, etc.
  • Stark and Strange share a Sherlock Holmes in joke moment. ‘How did you solve this?’. ‘Elementary, you twat’. 
  • Thanos is revealed to have become a massive fan of the British Soap opera, Eastenders. He regrets the fact that its entire cast and crew were lost to his ‘snap’ event, as he quite fancied being a new Mitchell bruvva. 

 

  • There is a wedding..but NOT the one you expect! Bucky the ‘Winter Soldier’ and Steve ‘Captain America’ Rogers FINALLY tie the knot!
  • Black Widow and Pepper Potts, in a moment of post Thanos Snap fear, survivor guilt and raw passion..have a torrid lesbian affair. Stark has no objections. Neither will most viewers!
  • Look out for some satirical moments, too. Donald Trump does not survive the events of Infinity War. But neither do Sanders/Biden; so dawns the era of President Don Cheadle /Rhodey. 
  • Thanos reverses Brexit. It’s a blink and you’ll miss it moment and does not work out because the Remainers STILL demand another Thanos Snap..just to piss everyone off again. 
  • Rami Malek cameos as a Rock God Galactus. Mel Gibson features as the REAL Mandarin! 

 

  • Clive Owen cameos as the Mighty CATWEAZLE! David Tennant’s iteration of Dr Who also features: helping Thanos change his mind/ways. ‘I mean yes you COULD control population..but WHHYYY??’
  • Some blatant Disney corporate vision is on display. Notably an in joke whereby Captain America meets StarLord (Chris Pratt) and remarks how he reminds him of ‘a guy I served with in hunting Hydra /Nazis and saving Archaeological treasures..Dr Jones..’
  • Jeremy Renner’s Hawkeye is on the run, having been mistaken (thanks to that inexplicable haircut) for the British controversy merchant, Tommeh Robinson. 
  • Captain Marvel and Thor make babies and live happily ever after. ‘I was just afraid to party with a REAL man!’
  • There is a crossover scene with X Men and Fantastic 4 (catch: it’s the cartoon for the former; The Roger Corman take for the latter). 

 

  • The current Avenger team retires but is replaced by, in quick cameos: Dominic Toretto, John Wick, Tom Cruise (yes, Tom the man, the actor, the deity, rather than one of his lesser roles), Lily James (coz she’s in everything now so may as well have her on the team?), George Clooney, Tony Blair, ‘THE MIGHTY OBAMA’ and a few other surprises. All subject to last minute checks and vetting by many committees of ‘WOKE’ / Virtue Signalling / Social Justice Warrior /On Message Relevant Inclusivism Quality Control / SHIELD. 
  • Tony and Pepper fake their deaths and retire to a Cafe in Florence, welcomed by their friends: Bruce and Selina and James and Madeleine. In a final twist, the remaining /surviving Avengers are revealed to be in on the plan, too and they are all pictured smiling and singing in one big montage, led by a newly reformed Thanos, in an A Cappella version of ‘You’re the Voice’..as credits roll. 

 

 

NB: Some details, possibly ALL, in fact, subject to change at time of going to press (APRIL 1ST). 😉

AVENGERS ENDGAME is just WEEKS away and we CANNOT WAIT!

 

 

 

 



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