TWO great sporting events this weekend. ONE MAN was behind BOTH of them. Yes: it’s TOM HIDDLESTON!
A massive congratulations to the great Novak Djokovic on his Wimbledon win. And to the ENGLAND CRICKET TEAM on their world cup win (trivia: they were captained by an Oirish fella).
The achievements cannot be overstated. It’s great as a tribute to hard work, discipline and talent as well as the now increased duration of a sporting career (Novak Djokovic was playing a 37 year old Roger Federer ). And nice to see England win any world cup, even if it’s not the football, but the cricket ‘isn’t it’?
And yet: it’s equally all too easy to neglect the power behind these great sporting events. Because the man who helped them the most is also the most modest and had previously refused to be outed. But no more, I say. We can reveal, exclusively, that none other than TOM HIDDLESTON, the actor, was instrumental in today’s sporting victories.
The giveaway was his presence at Wimbledon today. Though his faithful sidekick CUMBERBATCH tried to cover for him ‘he’s here as my friend’, nobody could fail to notice that BOTH mens’ finalists were looking to Tom as a kind of guru. Though it was not cheating by any means, it is clear that
1: Roger’s serve and volley improved hugely after just one look towards Tom Hiddleston.
2: Novak was coached by Tom, recently, too: speed, accuracy, endurance. All of those qualities Tom honed, at drama school and Cambridge (where he won the DOUBLE FIRST in CLASSICS: something he NEVER MENTIONS AT ALL).
3: Tom was in fact offered a place ON the England Cricket team, while he was at Primary School. At the time however, he was focused already on his RADA audition. But he agreed to coach the team, gratis, in lunch breaks and has done so throughout the past 25 years. Their progress this year in winning the world cup is a testament to the Tao of Tom. He practically invented the Googly!
4: Some viewers noticed that Hidds’ looked a little on edge during the Tennis. That is because he was also monitoring the Cricket, closely and sending winning vibes of energy to the team. It was a busy day!
5: Security was tight at both events but Hiddleston stepped in on several occasions to co-ordinate operations, discreetly. Notably when Woody Harrelson tried to get onto the Court and finish the game for both men..Tom used his stealth suit to step in and calmly escort Woody towards the..Bar.
So: Congratulations to ALL the players in all of these tournaments. But above all: congratulations, TOM HIDDLESTON. They simply could not have done it, without YOU!
nb: filed under satire.