18 July 2019 777 Views

Bond ‘fans’ Divided this Week into two camps. Two camps of Stupid. The Lashana as w007ke lady field agent misunderstanding..

by James Murphy

BOND 25 making click-bait headlines, Again:  Prequel script leaked..

Int. Daytime. MI6. M’s Office. London. 

M: There is a rumour that in the still untitled next adventure of yours, your brief retirement means your 00 number got filled.

Bond: Course it did. But so what? They can take my number. Just not my name.

M: Agreed, absolutely.

Bond: so..why all the fuss?

M: Because, James, The Internet is full of stupid people. It has splintered into two groups: the ‘WOKE’ and the ‘ANTI-WOKE’. Both see themselves as spokespeople for a particular cause and both justify their arguments with pretences of objectivity. ‘I’m not racist, but’. You know the sort of thing.

Bond: I do. So what can we do about it? Do you want a clean kill? Or do you want me to send a message?

M: Good grief no! Do NOTHING. Just make a great movie and prove them both wrong. But do keep in mind the methods of the two camps.

Bond: I’m listening.

M: Ultimately? They merge into each other through mutually assured denial. You see, they both feel threatened by change of any sort. The first will be all ‘Well yes we love Bond but he has to change! I see nothing wrong with Bond /007 being a black woman..let’s stand up for WOKE values‘. Those are called virtue signallers and what they don’t ‘get’ is how ironic it is that they are frantically defending or championing a change in you, as the world of your adventures is about as different to that of an Internet virtue signal corps as it’s possible to get! They grew up on your values and turned out perfectly decent for the most part; they don’t copy you other than occasional nods to style or clothes and they know it’s always been escapist fun. But they are determined to own it, look cool at any cost and befriend all the ‘WOKE’ women.

Bond: Yes. The same type of creep that wants a ‘traditional’ Bond adventure yet slams me anytime I seduce a woman as being ‘creepy’ or..and I quote, ‘rapey’. Yet they persist in following my every move and writing endless love letters to me online. I swear Sir: if I EVER meet one of those misguided, nauseating wallies, I will knock their complacency out of them. Via their teeth and my fist. I play the field, yes. But I do so knowing I could be dead tomorrow. And those I seduce are themselves facing similar dangers at an identical point. They fancy me when I am lucky and I reciprocate, understanding very clearly and mutually, that the romance might be as short lived as life itself in our profession. And I have loved and lost en route. I will again in time, no doubt.

M: Fine. But don’t forget the other grouping too. Same aim of cultural domination. Same fear of change posing as an embrace of it. Differing angle. ‘I am not racist or sexist. But Ian Fleming created Bond to be Scots Swiss, NOT a black woman’ etc. Some try and get around that ‘Idris Elba is too OLD to play Bond. It’s not because I don’t want a black fella playing 007‘. You know the sort of thing. Countless You-Tubers presenting pseudo-exclusives, claiming you have gone ‘full WOKE’. On the rise and proliferating by the day unless we curtail them.

Bond: If we wait for the film to be made /finished/released as you suggest, that could be too late.

M: Any other ideas?

Bond: Yes, as it happens. If there IS a plot point where my absence causes a replacement? Make it MoneyPenny. That way we continue her arc from SKYFALL, make up for SPECTRE and we develop the demographic, but organically and in universe. Naomie Harris is great at action and comedy. Keep Ms Lynch on board, of course but neither as Bond Girl nor 007. Why can’t she be YOUR replacement? Or the baddie’s kick arse bodyguard who changes sides mid movie? I don’t care what Lashana plays in my movie but PLEASE for GOD’S SAKE..spare us the hour long tutorial on office politics / pondering ‘Is Bond relevant?’ and so on. I don’t want Lashana Lynch used as an exposition character, either: explaining why we still need MI6/Bond and so on. Not fair on her as an actress, frankly and no FUN!

M: Why?

Bond: Because it’s plot substitute and character dialogue filler, pure and simple. The very worst kind of pseudo-erudite hustle; inanity posing as profundity. We’ve had enough of that, Sir. Above all it’s just bloody boring and dull. These are action films and thrillers. Fleming might well have been open to changing my sex, race, whatever. He once pondered killing me off..even making me a necrophiliac! But one thing he was adamant that a thriller must do is..

M: Thrill, Bond?

Bond: Precisely, Sir.

M: Let’s keep this one between ourselves just for now. But keep an eye on it. Besides, we simply don’t know yet what is going to happen in BOND 25 or precisely who is playing who beyond the regular cast. 

Bond: Thank you, Sir.

M: Pleasure, 007…

 

BOND 25 WILL BE RELEASED IN APRIL OF 2020. THERE WILL BE A TRAILER OR TWO SOON. MEANTIME? SHUT UP 😉 



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