24 November 2020 812 Views

The Lost James Bond movies

by James Murphy

They almost made it past script development..

There were as it turns out at least seven planned movies for Timothy Dalton. He would still be Bond today. Except he wanted to do other things. Like flower arranging.

Because Tim’s was a more gritty, brutal and realistic Bond? His later adventures would have continued the trend from Licence to Kill and gone REALLY DARK.

Bond 17:

James Bond gets AIDS. Or DOES he? Is it an actual fake out, planned by an elite cabal of baddies determined to bring him down? Either way..no more sex stuff for you, 007.

Q probes James’ body. Cures a number of other ailments in the process, via an experimental phase. But then forgets the formulae because he is diagnosed himself with dementia. The c(l)ock is ticking.

Felix and the CIA synthesise an antidote for what is not in fact AIDS but an early stage virus being made in a Chinese lab, intended for release in 2019. Bond and a team of big bastards in ninja suits go and blow up the facility. He lights a cigarette as credits roll ‘these things can KILL you’, he quips with a nervous laugh to camera. ‘JAMES BOND MIGHT RETURN’.

BOND 18:

James is sent into protect Princess Diana (Caroline Bliss, as an in joke: she plays Di and MoneyPenny!). Charles catches them doing sex stuff. Philip chases him around with a gun.

Bond evades capture in the Palace and smuggles Diana away. They must team up to somehow expose Charles as also having affairs so they have him bugged by Q and the snooper dog off View to a Kill.

Turns out an additional organisation is onto both Charles and Diana: the CARVER group! Carver would be played by a proper scary actor like Bob Hoskins /Albert Finney and not by Jonathan Pryce (imho). Carver’s group had a spy in all camps, the one you least expect. An international terrorist codename: BASHIR.

Bond must beat up Bashir until he squeals. Bashir resists and tortures Bond by making him watch repeated footage of the Diana interview while also listening to Charles’ Bitty with Camilla tapes.

John Major (Christopher Reeve) bursts in and rescues 007, allowing his top agent to escape to the country and arrange flowers to recuperate. Bond smiles to camera as credits roll ‘Well that was worse than having my balls whipped by LeChiffre‘.

BOND 19: 007-P45

James Bond is REDUNDANT! So he sits at home. Eats Pizza (delivered via black clad ninja assassins on bikes and grappling hooks).  Smokes weed. Watches Eastenders and briefly joins the cast. Organises an African coup via car-phone.

He must then ‘bond’ with a boy who turns up, claiming to be his long lost son from an affair with Felix Leiter. The kid would be played by a young Tom Hiddleston.

Bond trains the child, reluctantly at first but with renewed vigour. He finds new purpose, schooling his charge in all the skills needed for being a spy and actoooor. Flower arranging. Slipper wearing. Strategic beard growing. Seduction of actual WOMAN.

Pierce Brosnan bursts in, teaches them Pilates and says ‘Guys I think I will take it from here’. They all laugh together. Nervously. As credits roll.

Irish actor Pierce Brosnan in London after he was named the new James Bond. (Photo by Michael Stephens – PA Images/PA Images via Getty Images)

nb: filed under satire; actual nearly made bond movie book from Dalton era is out soon and will be reviewed here this week. 

 

 

 

 



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