08 June 2021 331 Views

How to spot an American movie hero..even in the age of post machismo WOKE power..

by James Murphy

At a Glance, here are some hints that you might be looking at a modern action-adventure hero/romantic lead in Hollywood..be it the actor or the character or bit o’both (I have not bothered distinguishing) 

  • Their characters are often in the adventure for the money. Yet they get roped in and end up signing on for the long haul cause. Or they are ALL AMERICAN PATRIOTS!
  • Their real life name, outside the movie character(s) they play, is probably ‘Chris’.
  • Female counterparts are portrayed as strong and independent. Yet they are still hot for these big macho buff toight sweaty cute hot GUYS!
  • #THEYAREINNOWAYATALLGAYORHOMOEROTICINANYWAYBUTNOTHOMOPHOBICEITHER 🙂

  • These guys drink BEER. or SCOTCH. Possibly an occasional Coke or Pepsi for product placement?
  • Though by no means nerds or geeks, their pop culture knowledge and /or curiosities are strong. Man-child is cool!
  • Chances are? You encounter them in a soft reboot of an old franchise or relentless rumour about a full on retcon/remake.
  • LOTS of shots of them building houses, chopping wood, sawing trees, taming wild animals, welding metal etc.
  • BEARDS ARE AN ABSOLUTE MUST. Ditto, a shot of them shaving it off. Being bald is cool, too. Matching vests essential!

  • Fractured relationship /family. Possibly orphaned? Outsider renegades. Haunted by trauma (childhood or otherwise). Bit of a Maverick, even? Yet they get the job done. Big time!
  • THEY ARE THE BEST OF THE BEST OF THE BEST. Even if playing a dentist..they are the BEST DENTIST, bit of a maverick, in it for the money but..(you get the picture, by now, I think?).

  • Daddy issues are a must. Either they have failed of late with a kid and must be reconciled. Or their Dads failed them and must be reconciled /killed off / hugged / laughed at etc.
  • A rubbish sidekick always helps them make look harder. The best lines must still go to the lead hero, ditto the biggest punches and kicks in a fight.
  • You MUST show yourself working out. LOTS.

  • The scripts these boys get are SO right on and woke, right? WRONG.
  • Coz this lot still get to say ‘son of a BITCH’. Not bastard. HAVE WE MADE NO PROGRESS AT ALL???
  • Though quite talented, likeable and even charismatic on occasion, these latter day heroes are frequently let down by terrible writing, lazy repetition of old tropes, in jokes and a relentless living in the shadow of more original and distinctive predecessors.

You can now be an action hero. The bar is now VERY low. But hey: Good luck, anyway 😉

 

nb / ps: no offence to any actors concerned..it’s not your fault that Hollywood is a bit rubbish. #SATIRE #JUSTABLOG 🙂 



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