01 September 2021 549 Views

TOM HIDDLESTON to join the EXPENDABLES?

by James Murphy

EXPENDABLES 4 is seeking new blood to renew the franchise.

So it HAD to be the very hardest and best. 

ONE MAN FOR THE JOB, SO!..

STALLONE was very specific ‘Well we will still have the old guys in this but yeah, Hiddleston is just where things are at now I guess. The chicks love him and so do some guys. If this goes well? I might cast him in a Rocky or Rambo reboot, too‘.

SCHWARZENEGGER was ADAMANT: ‘We are all basically girly little men next to Hiddleston.’.

STATHAM : ‘I looked in the mirror the other day and thought ‘what a pussy’: it’s time to make way for the new‘.

WILLIS: Dunno man and frankly, no offence, but don’t give a shit. Whoever this kid is? I bet he’s cheaper than me. Coz I won’t get INTO bed, let alone leave it unless there is a 5 mill a day straight to DVD movie deal involved. Now fuck you‘.

VAN DAMME: ‘I could kick his ass’.

SEAGAL: ‘Hiddleston could kick Van Damme’s ass’.

VAN DAMME: I heard that. And I could kick YOUR ass. And you are not even IN any Expendables movie!‘.

GIBSON: ‘Fine. Hire Tom, don’t hire him. See if I care. Sugar-Hidds will be fine! Asgardians are responsible for all the wars in the world, though. ‘.

Though final details are still to be confirmed, it is thought that Hiddleston’s contract is very particular. He MUST wear a SHOULDER HOLSTER, SLIPPERS and have a scene where he shows off his bum while doing sex stuff, (with woman), up against a wall. 

Cameos will also be granted to BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH, DAN STEVENS, KEN BRANAGH, FRY AND LAURIE, DAVID TENNANT/MICHAEL SHEEN, SURANNE JONES, KATHERINE KELLY, RICHARD MADDEN, THAT FRENCH DUDE FROM BRIDGERTON and um…MEGAN FOX (nb at least one of those has actually been confirmed as accurate, bizarrely).

nb: article is filed under ‘satire’.

nb 2: Expendables WHOLE USP = uniting older action heroes. Part 3 was underwhelmed by forgetting that.

So what we WANT, if this is indeed going ahead, for part 4 is Sly/Arnie/Bruce/Mel/Jean Claude/Chuck/Steven et al with the likes of:

Kurt Russell, Jackie Chan, Kevin Costner, Pierce Brosnan, Clint Eastwood, Alec Baldwin, Nicolas Cage, John Travolta, Paul /Hulk Hogan, Danny Glover, Charlie Sheen, Michael Biehn, Tom Selleck, William Shatner, Carl Weathers, Mr T, Mike Tyson, Andy Garcia, Tommy Lee Jones, Don Johnson, Richard Gere, Michael Douglas, Patrick Stewart, Jeff Fahey, Billy Zane, Angela Bassett, Michelle Yeoh, Sharon Stone, Sigourney Weaver, Shannon Tweed, Tane McClure, Cynthia Rothrock, Famke Janssen, Linda Hamilton, Pamela Anderson, Demi Moore..etc. 

IE: HOW DID THEY ARRIVE AT THE IDEA OF MEGAN FOX?? Much as I adore her (and I really do: Transformers the poorer ever after in her absence imho)..in what way did Megan emit an ‘Expendables’ vibe?? Bit odd. But anyway..happy to watch and judge when I see it. Yep. 



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