I know. We beat every other newspaper to it.
That said? They are VERY brief excerpts, mind. Even so: mild spoilers ahead. If you are in any way minded to perchance, purchase, the actual book.
THE SECRET PANDEMICK DIARY OF MATT HANCOCK. AGED 40 SOMETHING.
Today I measured my thing. At least THREE INCHES! Wow. Not sure about this whole COVID thing, though. Bit scary. Should prob be on that instead of doing this diary, I guess? Soz.
Tuesdyay (must check spelling?):
Got ACTUAL woodie. As in full on chubby. BIT embarrassing. Cos was on tele, talkin bout why yo gotta stay indoors. Wiv ‘er indoors, as Raab calls his missus, right? I love my wife. Totes. But..oooo..she’s a bit nice ..that Gina one.
Gina actually TALKED to me!! Wow! I think she might even hav brushed past me. Lolz. Cos if u r in contact without a mask then u get in serious shit!! Almost busted.
Profoundly in love with GINA. Did actual sex stuff wiv her, too! As in proper grown up sexy sexy SEX! Got LAID! Big time! Hope no1 sees it on CCTV! The wife would NOT be happy. Neither would the whole UK. Given I am telling them to stay home, we’re masks n not see elderly/sick/dying relatives in any public place. Hello! Mega- Awk-award. lolz.
Got Fired. Got separated. But in the plus column? Did not get COVID. And maybe I can now go on tv. Or sell these diaries?
THAT WAS AN EXCERPT FROM THE SECRET DIARIES OF PRATT HARDCOCK, AGED 40 -007, FROM PANDEMIC ERA BRITAIN. WITH LOVE. Copies available from charity shops around the country. For Free. Soon. As in THEY pay YOU to take the thing.
FILM RIGHTS HAVE BEEN SOLD, ALREADY. For 50 p. Hardcock WILL BE PLAYED BY HARRY POTTER (Potter recently turned down an offer to return as Daniel Radcliffe in another project: ‘I aint playing that twat, Radcliffe, anymore. I want a proper MAN’S role~! Hancock is that part, for me! Action hero!’.)
nb: filed under satire/you could not actually make this stuff up. Even if you were smoking REALLY good shit!