They SAY never remake a classic. I say? Bollox to that. REMAKE THE LOT! But do it WELL.
So. Yes. Tony Stark himself is being very choosy in his new projects. Meanwhile, Marvel burns in his absence. Latest prospect is a possible remake of VERTIGO. Fine. Just a question of how to do the piece justice, right? Here are some gratuitous tips.
1: Steven Knight is writing it. WHY? Yeah, the gangster brummie show did well. But his adaptation of Dickens is being lambasted. Best get an additional writer on board. I recommend Daniel Waters. Or Jane Lightbourne. Or Nicholas Worskett. Russell T Davies. Or me. Whatever. Maybe throw in a lil Tom Stoppard. But Knight, like Waller Bridge is the most overrated screenwriter at the moment, imho. So, a second pair of hands? Not a bad idea. No offence, Mr Knight. But. Yeah.
2: MAKE IT SUPER WOKE. As in? go GAY. Yep. You heard me. Not just NEARLY queer. But REALLY queer! Make Downey the girl/bottom. Have Mel Gibson or Kevin Spacey or Nicolas Cage or Clive Owen (or all of them; see if they notice as the actors get replaced mid movie) try and corrupt Downey into a version of themselves. Ok. I jest. But..it’s an interesting nod to Hitchcock’s sexual /gender dynamics, right? Hint of PSYCHO thrown in.
3: Switch the sexes? Seriously. Why not have say, Nicole Kidman as the baddie Jimmy Stewart type and Bob Downey as her victim? That’s a film I would watch. If Nicole not available? Speed dial Naomi Watts (just as lovely; just not Nicole?). Or Sally Webster. Gwynnie now persona non grata after that Courtroom nonsense. SJP Carrie Bradshaw could also nail it. I would say, nail Downey but that would be tasteless.
4: Change the fear. Heights? That’s so outdated. Maybe it’s now open spaces. Flying? Driving? Or peanut butter. Or commitment to one woman. Or a possible pandemic/lockdown, again? As in, do not even call it VERTIGO? Call it by the irrational phobia you choose next? That.
5: Get a good director. Maybe make it a period piece? Possibly stick with the old score but get a Hans Zimmer update on it. New take on the titles/logo, too but echoing the Hitchcock style.
AND THEN. BINGO! Worthy remake experiment. x
