DIE HARD IN ALBERT SQUARE? Action star Bruce Willis makes shock career changing decision…
In what will come as a surprise to many fans, BRUCE WILLIS is thought to have joined the cast of BBC soap opera, EASTENDERS. The show has been a big ratings winner for over 30 years now and its following has grown among many in Hollywood. A big screen adaptation was mooted and Willis became an avid watcher. He initially tried bidding to buy the rights for the whole series, outright. But that was not an option. Never one to be defeated or accept a first offer though, Bruce thought ‘aw fuck it: I’ll just JOIN THE SHOW MYSELF!’.
Thankfully for him, a part was indeed ready and waiting, as though fate had made it for him. His destiny. Apotheosis, even. Because there is a resident family of thick, bald, chrome dome, grumpy, funny, thuggish gangster types who love a good fight and their ‘dynasty’ has defined Eastenders for many years. I am of course referring to the Mitchells. Grant, Phil and now..Bruce. Bruce Mitchell. Why Bruce? Well, it enables Willis to have less work to do by ensuring that he need not remember his character’s name; answering only to his own, real life one. This will save time, money and endless hours of licence fee funded training.
It is not thought that a dialect coach will be needed. Whilst the series is indeed based in London, the dialogue is basically a sequence of grunts and huffs and frequently conveyed in purely visual terms with scary staring contests between blokes wot fink they are well hard gangstas. The occasional crowbar or baseball bat is required as a prop. Looking miserable is essential. Wardrobe of tight vests, bomba/leather jackets, jeans or shiny suits come as standard. Bruce was impressed by that system and its economy /efficiency.
So what swung it for the DIE HARD star? A clue is in that very title. The much mooted, long awaited sixth entry in the franchise is now a..PREQUEL? WTF?! As in..why? What POSSIBLE benefit could there be in such an idea?? Even as part sequel, book-ended by Bruce? It makes zero sense. John McClane (careful: do not get confused or mis-pronounce that name) comes ready made in the original Die Hard films. A cop. An everyman. Competent in his way but not a superman or a comic book hero or fantasy figure with a mythology. He has his one liners, sure. He loves his wife, his kids, his pop culture. Smokes. Swears. Fights. Shoots. Survives. The end! THERE IS NO BACKSTORY! No ‘early adventures’. Are they stuck for a premise for part 6? Maybe set it in a phone box. That way Bruce can literally ‘phone it in’! Anything but a sodding prequel.
If you HAVE to do some prequel spin? Sgt AL POWELL : THE EARLY YEARS! Or THE GRUBER BROTHERS: First Heist! (actually i would watch those films, definitely..before I would touch DIE HARD: YEAR ONE). So Bruce Willis, in his wisdom, maybe thought ‘fuck that shit I will do Eastenders instead’.
Money might be a factor, too. Though not the mega million payday he gets in Hollywood, salaries for BBC soaps are extremely generous and regular if you stay put. A great licence fee investment. Hundreds of thousands. 🙂 But Bruce’s motivations are by no means mercenary. It’s about getting to work with great people. We can neither confirm nor deny reports that he attended a British pantomime in 2016 called ‘DICK WHITTINGTON‘.
An unnamed source leaked the story that not only did Mr Willis see said ‘Panto’ show but then revisited on NUMEROUS occasions, sometimes in cosplay disguises. He shouted louder than many of the kids at the event and was enthralled by the interactive fun. Also, bemused by how and why TOM CRUISE was on stage, every time? It turned out not to be Cruise at all but in fact, JOHN BARROWMAN. Willis was still impressed, however. He found THE KRANKIES hilarious and it is thought the next Die Hard film will feature the line: ‘Fandabbydozy, Mother-fu#’er!’
Above all though? Mr Willis was struck by the economy and vigour of STEVE MCFADDEN as the boo hiss baddie (‘he totally phoned it in! if only I COULD do THAT in MOVIES’: unattributed quote). McFadden is of course a skilled thespian: winner of the Gold Medal at RADA and has held down his role as Phil Mitchell in Eastenders for almost 30 years. Willis is looking forward to working with him and also ROSS KEMP.
Kemp is now a video documentarian as well as actor: charting the most dangerous places and situations, worldwide. ‘On Gangs’; ‘Extreme World’; ‘In Space’ etc.
But it is thought he might be lured back to the BBC soap on a quasi full time basis, as Bruce loves his work, too. Indeed, in a bid to ensure Kemp is signed on, a set of real life gangs will be imported to the Albert Square set, so that the Mitchell Brother actor can double up and make ‘Gangs of Eastenders’. It’s a move that makes a lot of sense. The show is now taking a stand against youth crime. Despite having spent an entire generation, pre watershed, sending a message to kids that crime paid and that gangsters = heroes and hard working business-people = ‘filf’. Nice one!
Whilst this move might seem odd and unexpected for Bruce Willis, it is not without commercial vision. In an era where Hollywood fears making movies with proper grown up stuff like sex, violence and swearing, and in a streaming focused Netflix/Amazon led market, the BBC are stepping up to fill the void. Shows such as BODYGUARD and WANDERLUST are setting new levels of profanity, rumpy rumpy and explicit, adult content. The major international stars are flocking to it; Bruce is simply leading the charge. Patrick Bergin also did a turn in Eastenders, earlier this year.
We asked President Donald Trump for his take on this. He does not believe us and dismissed it as ‘fake news’, adding he is a ‘yuge’ Bruce fan and that he in fact wrote and directed all three of the original Die Hard films but was un-credited by a liberal news media conspiracy. Bob Woodstein is investigating ‘BRUCE GATE’ further however for CNN. Once he gets back to us? We can confirm whether this story about Mr Willis..in Eastenders is real or total bollox. DUFF, DUFF..CLIFFHANGER!
Next week: expect Vin Diesel in Corrie.
In any event? We wish BRUCE WILLIS a f#'[ing GREAT time in his next projects. Even the ones you won’t hear about that go straight to download. GLASS will be great, though. And yes, we do hope DIE HARD 6 gets made just NOT as a pointless prequel..;)
ROSS KEMP AND ARMED POLICE is worth watching: scary yet essential, enlightening stuff. He and indeed Bruce Willis also do a great deal for the Armed Forces, too: donate HERE, in advance of imminent Poppy season.
nb: largely filed under ‘satire’. d’oh. 🙂 Happy Mid week Trails, one and all.