13 October 2019 2152 Views

Official Secrets! Keira Knightley does some top level super secret spy shit in ultra SERIOUS Film for SERIOUS viewers and Guardian Readers!

by James Murphy

OFFICIAL SECRETS: A film SO officially secret..that you MIGHT just Forget to see it..or worse still..actually GO and see it and REMEMBER it?

nb: I am not ‘reviewing’ this. Not seen it. All I will say is..

 

  • Official Secrets features KEIRA KNIGHTLEY.
  • Keira, lovely Keira. That one wot used to smile and tilt her head and sometimes even be a bit funny? That one. Pirates! Domino! Brings you a Banoffee Pie in Love Actually. Adorable teeth. Great in period costume. That Keira. UNRECOGNISABLE here. She’s gone full on method. They have made her look as MISERABLE as possible. Shame, really, coz that is not in itself necessarily instant Oscar worthy ‘acting’. It’s just looking depressed and ‘dark’: a frightful shame when your USP as actress /star is that spark of light, even when taking on heavier/worthier fare.

 

 

  • The film is REALLY EDGY! They have gone out on a limb, on a wire to the wire’s limb, grasping bullets and biting nettles. They take on the sensitive, scary exclusive material revelation about the IRAQ WAR! I know..right up to the minute..plus sixteen years, give or take, this is truly risky stuff!
  • IN NO WAY AT ALL have they just cut and pasted the cast and look of SKYFALL onto this. Even though there are lots of shots of LONDON in RAIN and RALPH FIENNES..in no way at all phoning it in, slow talking in some quasi official manner..in braces..

 

    • MATT SMITH is in this. Coz Capaldi did the Julian Lassagne film and David Tennant is off busy doing super socialist soldier shit in the real world and Jodie Whittaker would just be directed to impersonate Tennant if they hired her. Eccleston is too miserable, northern, working class and is already writing a new book about why he would not do this film and how they all hated him anyway because he was northern and working class.

  • IN NO WAY AT ALL does this film riff/rip off/ ‘homage’ the Greengrass Bourne and Green Zone movies.
  • Sienna Miller is sadly NOT in this. If you wanna see her snog Keira in a movie that has heart, warmth, wit and seriously sexy sex stuff: go watch Edge of Love (2008). Sienna, like Keira, sadly now only works in VERY SERIOUS PROPER ACTING STUFF. Coz being a glamorous movie star AND a fabulous actress is so 1950s.

OFFICIAL SECRETS will be released soon on a top secret date at selected code-named venues being monitored by GCHQ. You have been warned. 😉

 

nb: filed under ‘satire’. You know this. Coz u r like watchin’ us, yeah..



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