This week has been all about those viral Toretto memes. Vin Diesel taking down everything from ghosts to vampires and aliens with the power of ‘family’. A nod to the Fast and Furious’ own increasingly high stakes but also a hint at genuine possibilities for cross franchise pollination.
So what if we applied that same principle to JAMES BOND? Verisimilitude and IP rights permitting, remembering it’s all pure hokum fan fiction..here we go..
BOND v JOHN HAMMOND:
Hammond is not a baddie as presented by Steven Spielberg in JURASSIC PARK and its (superior) first sequel, THE LOST WORLD. This was a Walt Disney type, Grandfatherly and childlike at once; an innocent abroad, whose scientific enthusiasm went unchecked and so gave the world cloned dinosaurs. But Lord Attenborough did inject subtle shades of darker petulance to his otherwise benign take on the character.
And frankly, however well intentioned the Hammond cloning projects might have been? They were still highly dangerous, corporate powered, mad scientist experiments gone wrong. So they would have reached the attentions of government agencies in all likelihood and Bond could credibly have been sent into shut them down.
Bond would win, naturally, and even evade the island’s prehistoric perils (the man jumps over crocodiles for breakfast). He’d show leniency to Hammond, perhaps and have the whole island affair kept quiet, bringing the mad billionaire back home to the UK. btw /fyi: excellent JURASSIC WORLD: DOMINION trailer now playing in IMAX with the showings of FAST 9.
BOND V HITLER:
Yes, you heard that correctly. I am not in any way seeking to make light of Nazi evils. What I am saying, if I am saying anything at all, is that Hitler is a kind of proto 007 villain, on which many of Bond’s antagonists are arguably modelled? And whilst we all love the world’s greatest British superspy, he is nonetheless a kind of ‘blunt instrument’. So he would be adept at infiltration of SS /other outfits and thereby winning an audience with Hitler. Bond would gain the baddie’s trust, sew seeds of distrust in the Nazi high command and take them all down. Alas, it’s fiction. But even so..
BOND V DRACULA:
Think about it. Yes, ok, 007 is not Indiana Jones (similarities aside). Bond does not ‘do’ the supernatural. At least not explicitly. But if magic is simply science we do not yet understand, then perhaps the vampire lore can be read on those terms, too. Remember as well that Bond has endured the occasional brush with local superstitions, themselves left deliberately vague in terms of the power source being purely earthly or somehow harnessing something ‘other’.
So it’s not that much of a stretch to have Bond take down the vampire count? Both are frightful snobs who enjoy property, female company, nightlife and travel. Notice too that Christopher Lee (the definitive onscreen Dracula imho) played Scaramanga in The Man with the Golden Gun movie. Lee was also Ian Fleming’s cousin. And if you read/watch ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE : notice that Blofeld (a role Vin Diesel would rock, btw) resides in a mountain hideaway and wants to send in an army of hynotised women to destroy Britain, so he can reclaim an aristocratic birthright. The parallels are there. Q branch just need equip Bond with crucifix, garlic and stake.
BOND V BOURNE:
This is a darling in fan fiction. Jason is not a villain, of course. He is an agent seeking closure so his retirement can be peaceful and calm. Bond by contrast actively seeks out action on behalf of his country. So it is indeed credible that these two figures could clash and that Bond would be given the brief to kill Bourne.
Hand to hand combat would have 007 at a disadvantage because Bourne is adept at weaponising any item and his sheer innovation in a fight would win against most challengers (yes, even Toretto in his car with family!). Except that Bond would already have factored that all in.
He keeps Bourne fighting as long as he can; thereby wearing him down and just as the optimal kill moment approaches, Bond volunteers some vital information or code-word to calm his previously aggressive opponent. James has also done his research by sleeping with Jason’s old girlfriends and seducing Pamela Landy at Langley. Bond wins the war even if the hand to hand battle was a painful draw going Bourne’s way? They then team up.
More next week. JAMES MURPHY WILL RETURN. HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND. TRANSMISSION ENDS.
