Yes! You can now play with the mighty TEELA! And feel the POWER of her vengeful STRAP-ON!
An educative, interactive, multi-purpose toy that adults can enjoy..
Oi! Get your mind out of the gutter you dirty bastard! I mean a strap on GUN /SWORD! I mean, who cares, right? The new animated Teela in Netflix’ MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE is so lacking in charm that frankly, I would be very surprised by anyone wanting to buy her toy figure counterpart. Even if they do indeed equip the model /character with guns/swords/ magic talismans that can be strapped to her arms and legs and detached at will.
Teela is so hot, even Skeletor gets a bone (r)
Fact is: MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE is still generating hits, debate and attention. All publicity = good, right? Well yes, sure. Make the title trend at viral level and curiosities remain high. People will watch, even if they do so from a position of vengeful embittered hatred and disappointment at their beloved cartoon series being ‘reinvented’.
But the goodwill has been damaged, nonetheless. Fans are pissed off at the fact that we were seemingly teased with a proper sequel to the original show, which even traded on associated imagery and plot threads to sell it. Yet inexplicably, show runner Kevin Smith has removed He-Man from the front and centre of the premise and presided over a bizarre morphing of Teela into a macho, arrogant, unlikeable arse.
I was rather generous to say the least in my review of the new show. Seriously. Its storytelling is indeed ambitious and mythological in scope for the whole family. I have nothing against Smith. I think that the man has wit and heart. His SUPERMAN LIVES script is an unmade gem which could have been another Star Wars imho.
Chasing Amy makes me cry. CLERKS was one of my first (and only) stage performance roles back at Oxford, where one of my tutors was a lot like Kevin (maybe it WAS him, moonlighting: not that strange a prospect, as Kate Beckinsale and countless other celebs often study /teach there). I hope CLERKS 3 does well! (Filming has just commenced: best of luck!).
But I digress..
..KEVIN: You stuffed up the aesthetics and thereby the morality in MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE. By allowing Teela to be written, drawn, animated and portrayed in this newly charmless way? You effectively divorced the property from the source material and this ceased to be a true sequel, even a ‘spiritual’ one.
Furthermore, you surely knew that by electing the more masculine/shaven headed (coz that is what it is) look to this beloved beauty, you inevitably politicised the product to insulate it from sectors of criticism?
As in: cue lots of suck up posts thinking they are right on virtue signaling best friends in waiting for Mr Smith. They take to twitter/insta et al and say things along lines of :’DON’T LIKE NEW TEELA? GROW UP! YOU RACIST SEXIST TRANSPHOBIC HOMOPHOBIC EVIL GIT!’.
Conversely, the backlash also invites the worst kind of alt right pond-scum, masquerading as critics via expletive laden, hate filled rants. Just scour YouTube for the material I have in mind. Vile. Scary. You know who you are. Disgraceful.
That, in turn, makes any kind of genuinely calm, moderate, objective review next to impossible. And plays right back into the identity politics’ tide, so destroying both political centrism and cinematic art in the wake.
In short, this is LAST JEDI, all over again. It’s TERMINATOR: DARK FATE. Politics AS the art, media as platform, serving neither original fan base nor newly acquainted viewers and critics.
Above all, it’s JUST NOT HE-MAN! Teela, (much like She-Ra, in the original iteration) was designed originally as a feminine redhead/strawberry blonde with beautiful design to match. Genuinely gorgeous bottom btw!
She still kicked all kinds of arse and was integral to plot and moral motif in many an episode. Think Nicole Kidman, Naomi Watts, Gwynnniee, Lucy Punch, Grace Kelly, Amanda Davies et al, but in an animated form.
I remember once at sixth form (or high school age: circa 17/18?)..a lovely girl raised her hockey stick in the air and shouted ‘HEY! JAMES MURPHY! FUNNIEST BOY IN THE SCHOOL!’. Pure She-Ra. Shoulda married her (though wonder whether she would have agreed to dress up as Princess Adora: perhaps just not meant to be?).
But I digress. Again. Where was I? Oh yes..FOR THE HONOUR OF / BY POWER OF GRAYSKULL!
Moral of today’s story: It is perfectly ‘ok’ to dislike and object to this new Teela, without in any way making a value judgment on social politics or precluding new characters being created in the cartoon, comics, video games etc who might very well be muscle bound and bisexual and exhibit exotic fusions of ethnicity to match.
Just don’t force it on beloved icons which you have also used as marketable memories in selling your shows and toys, yeah? With or without strap-on accessories..;)
nb, trolls: ‘satire’ is one of the boxes ticked here 🙂
NEXT WEEK: KEVIN SMITH GIVES US ‘THUNDERDOGS’
