21 September 2021 784 Views

Films where people have stuff up their..

by James Murphy


In honour of CHRISTOPHER NOLAN’S next movie possibly being right up its own fundament, we look back at bottom use on film. It might be a passing reference or critical plot / bot point. And as(s) cinema in general disappears into its own meta-textual hole with every franchise nowadays and churns out shit, now is an opportune moment for this piece.

What do we know of Nolan’s new project? Well it is top secret as always. But it is thought to be a period piece (set in the past) but also flashing forward a thousand years to the future. The director will be paid ONE BILLION DOLLARS just to think about it all and have coffee in a flask under his overcoat while talking very slowly about ‘motion pictures’. Michael Caine will be in it (not a lot of people know that), even if he does not know he’s been recruited. Ditto Ken Branagh, Tom Hardy, Christian Bale (disguised as¬†Matthew Mcconaughey or vice versa?) and a WOMAN. Hans Zimmer will do the score (because Nolan discovered him: Hans never scored any other film before he did Batman Begins and no other director ever adopted one composer). The film is being released through Universal Pictures. Because Warners never in any way supported Nolan, right? Provisional title: SYNCOPY PRESENTS: COLONOSCOPY. It will be shot in immersive 3-D smell-o-vision IMAX I-LAX. nb: all facts in this paragraph might be fiction. Nolan would approve ūüėČ

And that, dear readers, brings me onto this next topic. I am very anal about film. The site hit rock bottom with this one..etc. I present, a definitive list, covering the deployment, of bottoms on film. You’re most welcome.

In no particular order…

VENOM:¬†Eddie Brock (Tom Hardy) declares to all that he has ‘a parasite’. ‘UP MY ASS’. Charming!

MAYBE BABY:¬†Hugh Laurie’s character speeds his way to a fertility session. ‘AND I’VE GOT SPERM UP MY ARSE!’.

PULP FICTION:¬†Christopher Walken narrates a story about a relative wearing a watch in a prison camp ‘Up his ass’.

TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON:¬†I cannot describe the scene in question, even for bad comedic purposes. It’s gross.

AUSTIN POWERS: INTERNATIONAL MAN OF MYSTERY: Felicity (Heather Graham) plants tracer up Fat Bastard’s Bottom. Lucky him. OOOO getting FRISKY are we?!

QUICK CHANGE:¬†In a bid to make his fake clown bank robber sound menacing, Bill Murray recounts his threat: ‘He was like..baby: Up your butt with a coconut. He’s depraved. Disgusting!’. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BILL, btw!

ACE VENTURA: PET DETECTIVE /WHEN NATURE CALLS:¬†Jim Carrey’s eponymous hero talks out of his bottom. Literally! A second Carrey led sequel is on the way. Bottoms up!

WAYNE’S WORLD: Rob Lowe¬†does funny walk after enduring invasive search by the Cops.

DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER: Bond dispatches a baddie by cuffing him via the bottom, to a bomb. Diamonds are smuggled in a dead man’s..well you know the rest. ‘alimentary’.¬†

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: AT WORLD’S END:¬†It is implied, heavily, that Keira Knightley’s Miss Swann character is concealing a LOT of cumbersome weaponry in a rather delicate place. ‘Nuff said!

GRIMSBY: Sacha Baron. Firework up bottom. Ouch.

ARMAGEDDON: ‘I just came here to drill’.

WOLF OF WALL STREET:¬†Leeeeeoooo has many things..um..inserted..for ar(se)t’s sake.

MEET DAVE: Eddie Murphy plays an alien spaceship, disguised as an Eddie Murphy shaped human. Cue a very novel way to generate and release spending money via lavatory break. It is actually quite a funny film, imho. Notice how Eddie differentiates his facial stretch between the notes and coins. ONLY he could get away with that or indeed think/try it in the first place!

Ok that’s enough bum fun for now. NB: Filed under satire. Special tribute to those never ending ‘top ten’ lists: your lazy hack platform nonsense has destroyed cinema and criticism, together. Good show!

Also nb 2: Nolan’s next film will be great and even if it does go up its own arse a bit? He gave me THAT cafe in Florence scene for which I love him and his work, flaws and all, forever.


Don’t like this piece? Shove it up your….bottom?




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