28 September 2021 657 Views

It’s not just VENOM! EVERY HERO EVER is..GAY! LGBTQ! Properly so!

by James Murphy

And I can PROVE it, too! VENOM: LET THERE (LG)B(TQ) CARNAGE?!

Look, Andy Serkis and Tom Hardy did a bit of provocative publicity by implying Venom is a bit sexually ambiguous in persuasion. That analogy is apt, given that the symbiote creature lives 24/7 with a bloke, can shift its sex if it bonds elsewhere and survives based on adaptation.

So what? Indeed I find it hilarious that people would object to this theory, given it makes logical sense. Yet NOBODY (except maybe, me) thinks it a BIT odd that what might pass as PG-13/12A movie will feature a serial killer biting the hero and performing what looks a lot like a voodoo ritual in a church? But anyway.

My point is let’s just save time. Let’s ‘OUT’ EVERY SINGLE MOVIE HERO I can possibly think off from top of my head, thereby pre-emptively striking on both filmmakers and critics of the future. AND wind up BOTH alt right and extreme left!

Here. we. GO! In no particular order, ALL of these characters are in fact..GAY!

 

Citizen Kane: Keeps saying ‘rosebud’ because he just wants to settle down and decorate his mansion with a nicer shade of flower. Likes extravagant gestures. Massive fan of musical theatre. GAY!

Rick from Casablanca: His bar is secretly a GAY BAR. Hence, lots of camp nazis like it there. Rick ran away from WOMAN in ‘Gay’ Paris. Walks off at the end with a GUY. Ergo he is a gay!

Indiana Jones: He evaded a charming girl’s advances in the Temple of Doom because he would rather face a lava pit than actual sex stuff with woman. She even has to call herself ‘willie’. Jones is also very close to Marcus Brody: they only have eyes for each other. Diagnosis: GAY!

James Bond: The zero is ‘double’ coz he bats for both sides. BI! And prefers blokes, too. Notice he sleeps with WOMEN as part of his MISSIONS. For Queen and country. IE: Off duty? It’s c007ck. Very particular about his clothes, food, drink and a bit precious when not butching it up in a fight.

Neo: Why do you think he keeps ‘entering’ Mr Smith’s body in The Matrix?

Batman: Lives with a guy (Alfred: notice how he is always dressed in gloves just in case Bruce needs ‘attention’). In love with Joker so will not kill him. Fetishist who loves S n M /BDSM rubber/leather/zips/whips and all kinds of pervy shit. Gay. Bi. And very, very troubled, too: beating the shit out of criminals to express his own frustration at being so repressed.

Wolverine: Lives with Professor X in LOGAN. Growls in frustration at a world where being gay = a mutation special power he daren’t express.

Ok that’s enough for now. nb: filed under satire. Not homophobic, either. If you have a problem with these characters being gay? Then maybe you too are in fact…well whatever. It’s all good! Great heroes transcend sexuality and the trends that define society and movie marketing. Endure it! And in any event? Gay, straight or bi, I have zero interest in VENOM 2 due to the reservations I cited at the start of this piece. Shame, as I loved the first film. 



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