08 December 2021 2447 Views

TOM HIDDLESTON appointed to new job by Boris in bid to make up for the Allegra fallout..

by James Murphy

It has been a tough week in politics.

There was just ONE man who could come to the rescue. 

Yes, you heard it here, first. TOM HIDDLESTON is being flown in, to save CHRISTMAS, the country..the WORLD!

Boris Johnson (aka PM , UK) has faced some tough questions this week. Did he have a party? Sir Keir Starmer wanted to know why nobody invited him. It all culminated with a performance of Allegra’s Misery, wherein a posh totty hottie started crying and quit a job that nobody knew existed.

 

But any crisis an be abated via swift management and a shift in personnel / roles. And in that spirit, Boris has appointed TOM HIDDLESTON to be his new spokesperson.

Hiddleston is non partisan, not affiliated to any party. He is not of this earth. He walks among the Gods in time and space. So he was only too happy to step up and serve the greater good and help out Queen (and country).

Tom speaks a dozen languages so monies will be saved on translation services. He is also adept at all martial arts and has own shoulder holster so additional protection officers need not be assigned. #CASHBACK! 

Indeed, Hiddleston’s fee, which would be considerable (£10 per hour plus expenses and VAT), under usual circumstances, has already been donated to a charity for other actors in the ‘not quite Bond’ club (other members include Dan Stevens, Benedict Cumberbatch, Harrrrrryyyyyy Pottttterrrr and that dude off Bridgerton: each receives regular counselling).

Though nothing is official, yet, Boris explained his decision, in footage which will be leaked next year. ‘Ah..um..yes..I wanted a more LOW KEY representative’. 

We wish TOM HIDDLESTON every success in his new role. He was in BIRMINGHAM (UK, not Alabama) last night but then beamed away in a puff of logic.

nb: usual filing caveats..

 

 



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