22 March 2022 430 Views

Harry Potter refuses to play Daniel Radcliffe again.

by James Murphy

‘They can expelliamus off!’

Harry Potter is an ungrateful wally. His one role that made him famous: playing an overexposed child actor called Dan! The one the fans wanted him to resume. A new sequel was ready for filming. ‘Danny Radcliffe and the blessed career’. But Potter told them to do one. ‘I have limitless money; Hollywood believes me an actual wizard and child star turned accctooorrr. I get equal billing with Sandra Bullock and Brad Pitt! Fuckus offus; I aint playing Radcliffe again’. 

Radcliffe is devastated. ‘I think he’s got a ruddy nerve and a cheek. Without playing me? Potter would be struggling to get work as an extra on EASTENDERS. Seriously though, what a knob!’. 

We approached Potter for comment. He was unavailable. But one of his representatives has kindly donated a pair of actual magic Harry Potter UNDERPANTS! They can expand your willy with one magic word. They are SIGNED BY POTTER HIMSELF. And? If you decide to become a WOMAN? No problem. ‘Cockus offus’ and bingo..immediately the underpants become a pair of premium Emma Watson knickers (nb side effects include delusions of grandeur; lack of actual star power/charm/talent and bizarrely ignoring the writer who made your success possible).

We will be auctioning the pants soon. All proceeds go to the Benedict Cumberbatch Foundation for the Promotion of Overrated Actors.

EXPECTO PATRONUM!



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